Merlin, 3.07 – “The Castle of Fyrien”

It opens as Gwen heads back to her house after a long day’s work. And what does she gets for all her pot scrubbing and waiting hand and foot on Morgana? Two guys who haven’t bathed in the last week, and a face full of chloroform. As the sling her over a horse and ride away, Morgana’s evil smirk is all but screaming “I did it! Meee! Are you guys paying attention?”

We get a brief comic interlude after the credits, where we learn that Merlin is insufferably annoying in the mornings. He yanks curtains open, and wakes Arthur up every day with something cheesy like “Shake a leg!” or calling him “lazy daisy”. Arthur, keeps something in his bed to throw at him every morning, and I can’t say I blame him.

Gwen’s disappearance is noted by Morgana, and Uther gets to be a jackass. He says “you can always get another one”. And in a nice blink-and-you’ll-miss it bit of continuity, When Merlin offers to pour water for her, Morgana covers her goblet with her hand and says “NO”. Maybe because last time her offered her water, it didn’t turn out so well?

Far away from Camelot, King Russell Brand (okay, so his real name is Cenred; I just like that) and Morgause have a prisoner – and it’s not Gwen. Gwen is to shortly join him, though – she arrives, and the prisoner is dragged out. It’s her brother!

Wait, what? Since when did Gwen have a brother?

King Russell Brand exposes his plan – he wants Gwen to bring him Arthur. He says she has a week to get him there – he doesn’t care how – and if she fails, he’ll let her watch while he tears her brother’s heart out. Ouch.

If you're gonna go the "I'll take his heart out with a spoon" route, the Sheriff of Nottingham beat you to it.

Back at the ranch, Arthur argues that Gwen has been kidnapped. Uther decides to be a total dick and only allow a few guards to search the low town. Arthur is pissed.

The next day, Morgana wakes to find Gwen there, doing her usual duties. She explains her absence away with “I was sick”, and then runs away to do the laundry. She smacks into Merlin, who notices that her wrists have been rubbed raw. When questioned on it, she breaks down and cries.

She spills the whole thing to Merlin, who takes her to Arthur. Arthur figures out via Gwen’s testimony that King Russell Brand is hiding out at the little-known castle of Fyrien. He volunteers himself, Merlin, and Gwen to go rescue Gwen’s brother, and Merlin points out that they’d be walking into a trap. Arthur gives a self-satisfied smirk and says “not necessarily”, which might have been true had Morgana not been listening at the door the whole time.

Morgana, predictably, goes and tells Morgause. Greeeat.

And to make things just that much better, the next morning, Morgana shows up in chain mail (and a steel corset, ow) and proclaims that she’s going with them. Merlin tries to protest, but it’s weak, and Arthur pretty much says “tough shit”.

Girl, I know the corset's hot and all, but there's a "beauty vs. comfort" line... You crossed it. Also, Lady Gaga wants to talk to your seamstress.

They ride for a while, and then park at a river. Morgana goes off to get firewood, and Arthur tells Merlin to go help. The following exchange occurs:

Arthur: Merlin, go get firewood.
Merlin: But Morgana’s already got that.
Arthur: There might be wolves. Go defend her.
Merlin: Pfft, there aren’t wolves here.
Arthur: *via facial expression* Will you PLEASE get the hell out of here so I can have some alone time with Gwen and maybe, just MAYBE get some?
Merlin: Ohhh. *overly loud* Goin’ to get some firewood!

There’s a short bitch-fight between Merlin and Morgana, and then Arthur gets some time alone with his lady love. Lots of loaded phrases are traded, along with longing looks, and then – holy crap, they’re moving in for a kiss! They’re actually gonna -

OMG THEY'RE GONNA -

 OH, FUCK YOU, MORGANA AND MERLIN. Perrrrfect timing, assholes. No kiss for them, or us.

Now that the mood killers are back, it’s time to discuss strategy. Arthur lets slip that there are hidden caverns beneath the castle that he’s pretty sure King Russell Brand doesn’t know about. He will, though, because as soon as night falls, Morgana goes and snitches to Morgause. Morgause doesn’t know about the caves either, so she gives her a spelled ring to drop at the entrance.

Merlin tries to stop Morgana by enchanting a nearby snake to rear up at Morgana’s horse. Her horse freaks out, and Morgana’s thrown, hurting her leg. Merlin argues that they’ll just have to go on without her, but Arthur isn’t hearing it.

Meanwhile, King Russell Brand is flirting like the world is ending and Morgause is the only woman left on the planet. Good luck getting what you want out of that one, man.

Our heroes find the entrance, and Morgana sets off the ring. And about thirty seconds later, they’re hosed – here come the soldiers! One puts his sword to Gwen’s throat, and Arthur surrenders, just like that. He’s dragged in front of King Russell Brand, and they’re all put in cells.

Arthur and Merlin are put in a cell together, and Arthur’s got a plan. And he looks cocky about it, which means it’s gonna work.

In the meanwhile, we finally get the answers to “why the hell haven’t we heard of her brother before?” Apparently her brother is a good-for-nothing jerkass who’s always in trouble, and whose response to “why didn’t you come when Dad died?” is “Yeah, sorry about that.” And in this corner, folks, you’ll see an entirely disposable character; now we’re walking, we’re walking..

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's.... Arthur.

Arthur’s plan goes into action. Merlin yells for the guards, saying that Arthur’s escaped. The guards are drawn in, and Arthur’s pulled the ol’ “hiding on the ceiling” trick. He beats them down, and then comes across another guard. Merlin uses his magic as the guard traps Arthur… to make the man’s pants fall down. (Not what I expected.) He knees the guy in the family jewels (with an armor-covered knee, no less), and tosses him into the next cell – where Gwen has been stashed. Hi, Gwen!
Arthur splits up to find Morgana, and Merlin trails after him. Arthur breaks into the throne room, where Russell Brand has his sword against Morgana’s throat; Morgause reveals herself, and brings up a wall of fire.

Merlin, unbeknownst to everyone (as usual) has Arthur’s back. He shuts it down, bringing the ceiling partly down. Morgana and the king are out; Arthur’s fine, and so is Morgana. They flee, but Morgana doesn’t want to go – Morgause is hurt! She fights with Merlin, and Arthur comes by. She claims her ankle’s gone bad, and Arthur just picks her up and throws her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

Bet you're regretting that steel corset now, princess.

On the way back, Arthur gives a speech about how people like King Russell Brand will never win, because Camelot’s built on the ideals of loyalty and honor and blah blah blah. Really, it’s just an excuse for Merlin to make a bitchy face at Morgana.

And now, the scene that makes this whole episode. You ready? Gwen comes in to Arthur’s apartments, and thanks him for his help for her brother. It’s an emotional scene where she’s really thanking him for saving her, and his response? “It’s what you do when you love someone.”

His face: Yep, I said it. Deal.
Her face: I’m trying to accept this calmly, but as soon as I’m able to get out, I’m going to go run around the castle corridors yelling “YES!!! Hey you! Serving girl! Does the crown prince love you? No? THAT’S BECAUSE HE LOVES ME, BITCH! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!”
Fangirls: *window-breaking squee*