This week’s episode of Merlin, “Gwaine”, is yet another that will make any scholar of Arthurian legend’s head pop off in an instant. You’ve probably heard the name “Gawaine” before in your English literature classes; it’s one of the most famous examples of where the basis for Arthurian legend comes from – a poem, author unknown, called “Gawaine and the Green Knight”.
This is not the Gawaine you’re looking for, but I’ll be damned if you don’t prefer him to the real thing by the end of the episode!
Basically, in the literature classic, Gawaine is one of Arthur’s knights. On New Year’s day, a green knight (literally, green from head to toe) comes in and says “I’ll let anyone who wants to take a whack at me with my own axe if he’ll agree to let me do the same to him in a year and a day.” Gawaine says sure; why the hell not? He’s offering. So he picks up the axe and lops off the guy’s head. The guy picks up his head and says “Remember, you promised. See ya later!”
Gawaine is true to his word – he shows up at the time and place, and it’s a castle. The castle’s lady tries to seduce him three times and only gets kisses out of him; in the end, she gives him a girdle of green silk that will keep him from all physical harm. When the day comes, he leans over to take his blow from the axe, and the Green Knight just nicks his neck. And, as it turns out, is the lord of the castle – and who has been in league with evil sorceress. Morgan Le Fay the entire time. Gawaine has been royally fucked with. He returns to Camelot, and probably gets made the butt of more than a few jokes.
This isn’t that Gawaine. At least – not yet.
This episode opens with a Merlin and Arthur hunting and coming upon a tiny hamlet, and Arthur deciding that he wants mead – and that he’s going to play like he’s not a prince and see what people really think.
Merlin: “This is going to be one of those moments when I tell you something isn’t a good idea and you ignore me, isn’t it?” Well, at least Merlin doesn’t have the Idiot Ball this time… Poor boy’s had it a lot lately.
They enter a tavern and sit down. The, uh, rather portly waitress says “Well, you’re a good looking fellow, aren’t you?” Arthur takes the compliment like an ass, and she leans down and tells him she meant MERLIN. Merlin grins and says “I was wrong. Maybe coming here is a great idea!” (Um, Merlin, darling? We thought you liked your girls looking like Summer Glau on Master Cleanse. No judgment, though…)
Some asshole blows open the doors, and the whole tavern shuts up. He goes up to the waitress and all but tells her that if she doesn’t give him money, he’ll hurt her. Arthur throws him against the wall, and the guy says “I’m gonna hurt you for that!”
Well, crap, Looks like Merlin’s gonna catch the Idiot Ball after all. “I’d like to see you try,” he laughs into his mead. Big Burly Asshole whistles, and it turns out he’s got a good-sized crew with him.
As Merlin gapes and Arthur yells at him for being stupid, a man steps up… and hey. He’s kinda hot. He decides our heroes need some help and punches Big Burly Asshole in the face, which starts a giant bar brawl. It’s of the humorous type, and our mysterious hottie fights very much Indiana Jones-style. Mid-battle, while nonchalantly taking a swig of beer, he introduces himself as Gwaine. He then punches someone and then gets stabbed in the leg and begins to lose a lot of blood.
Gwaine
Arthur puts Big Burly Asshole in the stocks and announces who he is, and then tells the townsfolk that they are to report to Camelot if he troubles them again. They’re thrilled, and many, many tomatoes are thrown.*
Gwaine is brought back to Gaius’ place and healed for saving Arthur’s life in the brawl.
The next morning, Gwaine the Hot is totally shirtless (win!) and asking where he is. When Merlin tells him whose life he saved, he says that if he’d known Arthur was a noble, he probably wouldn’t have bothered. Merlin tells him that the king wants to thank him personally, and Gwaine (it’s killing me not to put that extra “a” in there!) tells him where the king can stick his thanks. Merlin even tries “you’ll probably get a rewaaaard…” and Gwaine grins, flexes all those lovely muscles, and says that he’s got all he needs right in his pack, thanks. (I bet you do.)
Apparently, there’s an upcoming melee tournament coming up, and knights are coming in from all over the countryside to compete. For those not conversant in D&D-talk: melee battle is basically 20-on-20 battle, all weapons permitted, instead of one-on-one. It’s utter chaos. Last man standing wins. And apparently, in Camelot rules, it’s fought with blunt weapons – which is good, because come on. This Camelot seems to be nothing but ill-advised tournaments and banquets, and if they killed off every knight that went down in one of those, Arthur would be down to fighting kids and dogs.
In a hut somewhere, a deal is going down – a man (is that Big Burly Asshole?) is buying a set of crystals, and a set of swords from a magician. The swords look completely blunted, but are as sharp as they come; the crystals will allow the wearer to assume the form of anyone whose blood they touch. (The magician apparently hasn’t lived around these parts too long, because right after he gets his pay and enchants the crystals, the customer knifes him. Anyone else see that coming a mile away? Yeah, me too.)
It IS Big Burly Asshole, and he’s now gonna take his revenge on Prince Arthur.
Meanwhile, Gwaine is still sans shirt. (I love this show.) He climbs up and surveys all of Camelot, and then gets dressed and heads down to the marketplace – where he sees Gwen and does a doubletake. He’s smooth – he grabs a small flower, and says, “Milady, I believe this is yours.”
Smooth motherfucker!
Gwen, who is probably mentally jumping up and down inside her head that she gets a real plot and LINES! this episode – “No, I don’t think that’s my color.”
He stops her and slides it into her hair, proclaiming it perfect; she tells him he probably has a hundred of those to hand out, and he waves his empty hands, saying he only had one flower for her. Dude is smooth. He introduces himself, and doesn’t let go of her hand when she tries to walk away (not cool, dude), saying that she hadn’t introduced herself. He then says she must be some sort of princess, and have some amazing name, and anoints her Princess Esmerelda.
Gwen’s eyes about roll right out of her head.
He tries to play the “princess” bit up a bit more, and then finally folds and says “This isn’t working, is it?” Gwen laughs and says no, but she thanks him for trying and compliments him on not giving up. (Somwhere, dude, Lancelot and Arthur are growling and sharpening their knives.) She gives him his flower back, and walks away – and I’ll be damned if the man is not staring at her ass the whole time she does.
Meanwhile, Big Burly Asshole comes across two knights on their way to Camelot. The knights are downed – and BBA and his friend put on the crystals and take the two knights’ forms. Arthur even comes out to greet them. Arthur pimps Merlin out as a servant to the two knights, who then have way too much fun torturing poor Merlin with backbreaking work.
Poor bb Merlin, getting pimped out to other knights...
Afterwards, Gaius and Merlin are talking about the knights, and Gaius says that the Sir Oswald Merlin is speaking of doesn’t sound like the young man he knows. And then THIS gem comes out – “Merlin, you must realize that not all masters are as kind to their servants as Arthur is to you.” Merlin is eating soup at the time, and spits it all out in surprise. Sorry, Gaius’s face.
Gwen then comes to fetch Merlin – Gwaine is drunk off of his ass in the local tavern (and has bought rounds for nearly everyone there), but he has no money… and he’s named his new buddy Merlin as someone who does. Merlin decides to shove the bill off on Arthur, and takes Gwaine back to Gaius’s place. There, he tells his story, and why he hates nobles as much as he does.
As it turns out, his father was a knight, and died in battle, leaving his mother penniless. When his mother went to the king for help, the king shooed her off. And in return for this tale, Merlin actually tells Gwaine a very cleaned-up version of how he only met his father a few days before he died. (Wow. Didn’t expect that one to be coming out of him.) They bond over it… not that Gwaine will remember the next morning.
Arthur finds the bill, and holy SHIT, did Gwaine order some booze last night. The list starts with “14 quarts of mead”. Damn, boy. Arthur gets reminded that he wouldn’t be here without Gwaine and that he did promise Gwaine anything he needed, and gives Merlin a glare in response. Merlin says “Fine… I’ll pay”, even though we all know he can’t, and Arthur says “Oh, yes, you’ll pay.” (A thousand slash fics were probably launched with that line.)
Cut to Gwaine and Merlin scrubbing Arthur’s boots together, complaining about what an ass Arthur’s being. It turns out that they’ve been assigned to clean the boots for Camelot’s entire army.
And we cut to the practice field, where one of the fake knights tries to take Arthur on. Arthur notes that he’s a bit rusty since last time they fought, and… didn’t he used to be left-handed? The fake knight says that he just wanted to give Arthur a chance and switches sword arms, which makes him fight really badly. A bet is placed, and the fake knight loses. Arthur tells him to keep his money.
Meanwhile, Merlin is cleaning up – and he finds the two enchanted swords. He cuts himself on one just in time for the fake knights to come in, yell at him, and toss him out.
Gaius bandages his finger, and Gwaine states that he’s seen those blades – and that they were forged with sorcery. (No shit, Sherlock.) A plan is hatched, and Merlin decides he must be the one to go in and get the blades. (Dude, just let the guest star get it next time.) They can’t accuse Sir Oswald without it, as he is a knight from a respectable family.
He sneaks in at night, and as he goes for the swords, he notices Oswald sleeping shirtless – and the crystal on his chest. He grasps that Idiot Ball with all his might, and actually picks the crystal up off of the sleeping man’s chest – and sees Big Burly Asshole in it. The man wakes, and Merlin has to dodge swords and knives just long enough for Gwaine to show up.
The knights attack Gwaine, and the second knight gets whooped rather quickly. The first holds his own – and then Sir Leon, one of Camelot’s resident knights, comes in to find out what’s going on. Gwaine is charged with attacking Oswald, and Oswald demands an audience with the king.
Merlin tells Gaius everything.
The king is brought out, and Gwaine is clapped in chains. Oswald says that Gwaine tried to kill him, and the other knight backs him up. Gwaine says that he was protecting Merlin, and we’ve got a nice set of he says/he says going on.
Gwaine throws a fit and says that nobility isn’t how you are born but how you act – and that these men are not noble, and the king gets pissed. Oswald demands nothing less than “the commoner’s” head. Merlin, now’s about the time to come out and drop that “he’s a noble!” knowledge on King Jerkface…
…But it’s not necessary. Arthur steps in, and defends Gwaine, calling him just as much Camelot’s guest as the knights are. He tells the king that Gwaine saved his life. He gives his father his word that Gwaine will behave, and that he deserves clemency. The king decides “clemency” is having Gwaine banished from Camelot, with the coda that he will die if he ever comes back. He must be gone at dawn.
Merlin apologizes, and all but says “No, new friend, you can’t leeeeave meeee!” Gwaine says it’s okay, that he doesn’t stay in one place long – and then advises Merlin to protect Arthur.
As he leaves, he runs into Gwen. She tells him that she heard, and that he was brave… and she goes off on a romantically-tinged speech about how Arthur is not Uther, and that one day he will make a great king. Gwaine clues in, and says that he at least now knows why she shut him down so fast. Gwen tries to backtrack her way outta that one, but Gwaine isn’t fooled. He leaves.
Gaius and Merlin are trying to plot how they’re going to save Arthur, and the only thing they cam come up with is for Merlin to use his powers, while all of Camelot is watching. Good plan, guys.
As Arthur is dressing for the battle, Merlin echoes a line from earlier: “This is going to be one of those moments when I tell you something isn’t a good idea…” “And I ignore you, yeah,” Arthur finishes. Merlin reminds him that last time he said that, he was right, but Arthur sees what he’s doing and refuses to withdraw. He says the melee isn’t a game; it’s about proving to the people that he’s fit to lead them.
The melee begins. Horses fly, swords fly – and then the knights begin to fly. Nobody has picked up yet on the fact that some of these downed knights are truly “down”.
"Melee's about to start? LEEROOOY JEEENKIIIIINS!"
Arthur and Oswald get down on the ground into one-on-one combat, while the other knight rides for Arthur’s neck. Merlin finally finds his moment and knocks the other knight off his horse. It’s now Arthur, the two fake knights – and wait! One more! Who’s the stranger guarding Arthur?
The two knights are downed, and Arthur takes off his helmet and cedes the field. Gwaine opens his helmet and reveals himself, and Arthur laughs. “I should’ve known,” he says. “Nobody fights like you do.”
Gwen doesn’t know whether to be happy or freak out, and Uther quickly orders the guards to arrest Gwaine. Gwaine gives them no fight.
Uther goes to check on Oswald and Ethan in the tents; Gaius says he doesn’t know if there is anything that he can do. Uther starts to order Gwaine’s death, and Gaius stops him. He pulls the crystals off of the two men, and then reveals them to be different men. Uther realizes sorcery was done, and Arthur points out that he once again owes his life to Arthur.
Arthur talks Uther into ignoring the fact that Gwaine broke into the melee, but he can’t get him to rescind the banishment. Arthur apologizes, and Gwaine forgives him.
Merlin asks what we’ve been wondering all this time: why doesn’t he claim his nobility and stay? Gwaine says that he couldn’t serve under a king like Uther; Merlin points out that Arthur’s a good man (most of the time) and that he could serve under him. Gwaine points out that Arthur isn’t king. Not yet.
Merlin says that he and Arthur fought well together – and Gwaine’s reply is that maybe one day he will fight by Arthur’s side again.
Cut to Arthur watching Gwaine go and saying that it’s too bad Gwaine’s not a noble; he would make a good knight. Merlin says that maybe someday he still will be, and Arthur quotes the rulebook at him. And just when Merlin’s stock “but you can change the rules” speech is about to fly, Arthur sees Gwen – telling Gwaine goodbye! He immediately gets his hackles up and says “Well, they look FRIENDLY, don’t they?” Merlin grins and says “why shouldn’t they be?”
…Because when the Crown Prince wants to bang you, you apparently don’t get to bat your lashes at anything else in the land.
“She could do better than that!” Arthur all but yells.
Merlin’s having fun with this. “You mean she could set her sights higher? Oh wait! But a girl of Gwen’s standing could never consort with a nobleman, that’s against the rules!”
“Merlin?”
“Shut up?”
“You guessed it.”
Next week we get to see Merlin’s intro to the Crystal Cave, and we’re back to serious business for Camelot. The Crystal Cave… this is BIG, folks. B-I-G. Don’t know why? I’ll explain next week.
- – - – -
* Merlin trivia! At the beginning of season one, Merlin is in the stocks a lot. A. LOT. Now, what do you usually throw at people who are in the stocks? Rotten tomatoes. One problem, though – Colin Morgan (Merlin) is highly allergic to them. The makeup team tried coating him with some clear substance to act as a barrier, but it didn’t work – so in those early scenes, you see the villagers throwing everything BUT tomatoes at him. (A few are thrown, but they were directed not to land on him.)
So in this episode, when Big Burly Asshole is put in the stocks, it seems to be a bit of an in-joke that all these villagers have on hand IS tomatoes. I don’t think I saw one head of lettuce fly.
The moral of this story? Save a tomato – eat a Colin Morgan.
Heh.
You see what I did there?
LamoreVincera
LamoreVincera has been a geek chick since the third grade, when she discovered Star Wars, Luke Skywalker, and a penchant for blond-haired farm boys. She has a lifetime-long love of fantasy, sci-fi, history, and medicine, and is currently working on achieving her dream of becoming a midwife, as well as working on a novel. She can be contacted at LamoreVincera @ hotmail . com and followed on Twitter at the link below.
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