...Duddykins? Is that you? And do you still have that pigtail stump?

So here’s the sitch: a young boy (Dudley Dursley, with brown hair and minus a LOT of weight) is heading to Camelot to fight “in a tournament” is beaten up on the way by two bullies. The bullies move on, but the kid (“Gilli”) has kept his most treasured possession – a ring. A magic ring. Dudley’s learned some new tricks.

They cut to Camelot, where I present you with Colin Morgan’s actual dialogue: “Did anyone think this one through? A contest, open to all comers, with a prize of 100 gold? Hmm, I wonder what kind of people are going to turn up?” I know, honey, I know. The writers Uther has a giant case of the stupids. Arthur waves it off as “tradition”. (Something in me very much wants to Godwin this conversation for fun, but I’ll restrain myself.)

So, yeah. Open contest to all comers, no rules. At all. You down someone – killing, or just “down” – you win. This is so freaking smart.

Gilli gets a room at the inn, but the innkeeper demands his money up front – because “you’ll be dead by sunset”.

Meanwhile, the bullies from the road catch up with Merlin and start trying to beat the living tar out of him. Gilli shows up and beats them both, and says “I know what it’s like to be picked on.” (And all the Harry Potter fans in the audience are giggling and finally getting that “schadenfreude” word.)

The Arthur/Morgana shippers say Arthur won that contest a looooong time ago.

We cut to Morgana, Uther and Arthur… and Morgana taunts him into competing alongside Arthur. She all but says “I just had a dick measuring contest, and YOUR SON WON.” Arthur is horrified when the fight starts and Daddy shows up next to him.

There’s fighting, Uther wins a lot – and suddenly, Gilli’s up. He wins – through subtle magic, of course, and the crowd loves him.

Gilli got cut badly on the shoulder, though, and waves off Gaius’ help. He casts a spell and jams the ring against the cut, cauterizing it – and leaving a niiiice suspicious burn mark on the nearest door. He nearly gets caught. Gaius barely talks Uther out of “AAAHHMAGICOMGKILLSOMEONE!” and Merlin goes to return the ring to Gilli.

Merlin tries to talk Gilli out of fighting the next day, and Gilli spills his story. Apparently Daddy was a sorcerer but never used magic, and died because of it, and Gilli’s here for a big “fuck you, Uther”.

Next day. Uther wins more. Arthur wins more. (Bradley James has proven himself to be a fine actor. I wish they would give him more to do than hack, slash, and abuse Merlin.) Gilli’s up, and Bully #1 goes down. Permanently. Gilli’s shocked to his core that he actually killed someone this time. He promises Merlin that he’ll withdraw – which is when he goes back to the tavern and soaks in a whole lot of crowd love.

Arthur goes down. (Not like THAT, Arthur/Merlin shippers.)

Next up: Uther… versus Arthur. Now here’s a completely wasted point – writers, this episode could have been taken to a whole new level had Uther died right here, right now. Can you imagine the pathos they could wring from that? But no. Arthur throws the fight, because he can’t risk killing Daddy.

Gilli wins again – and almost kills again. This time he has no problem with it, because the crowd’s screaming his name. Merlin tries to talk him out of it one more time, and this time, he shows his hand. Literally. With flames dancing from it. Gilli cries – and then comes up with “Uther needs to die. He’s killed too many of us. It’s time someone struck a blow for the likes of you and me, and if you’re too weak, I will.”

So Merlin runs out and screams for the Asshole Dragon. The Dragon gives him a well-deserve tongue lashing for last time, and then gives him a surprisingly upbeat (for him, anyway) speech. If Arthur sees his father die by magic, the dragon says, it will harden his heart to magic forever. …Holy crap, he’s being USEFUL?

Final match – Uther vs. Gilli. Gilli uses magic right off the bat, and almost gets Uther – but Merlin’s watching, and he’s protecting the king. In the end, Gilli downs Uther and almost gets a sword in him, but Merlin won’t back him up, and Uther downs him without killing him.

Merlin then gives Gilli a talk about what magic is and isn’t that he will, ironically, betray the minute he starts being the king’s sorcerer. We know that; he doesn’t. Gilli leaves.

We’re back with Arthur, Uther, and Morgana, and Morgana is teasing again. Uther admitted that he knows Arthur threw the battle, and he now thinks Arthur is truly ready to be king.